So I'm at work. All I can think right now is how much I'm hating. I'm hating this town I moved to, the ignorant & trashy people in it, the status of my work, the relationship I'm in, etc, etc, etc.
This isn't a new feeling for me. In my personal eyes I can ride the feeling out, but I'm always afraid of what others think of my blue/angry periods where I am just not functional. It's coming on winter soon, so I'll mostly be stuck inside due to my asthma. I'm also angry because I have to work twice as hard in life just to keep things organized and in check for myself, and during these blue/angry periods I get so lost and off track. It's to the point that I feel my relationships are failing me because no one checks in on me, or even says hello for that matter. It's really stressful when I have to do everything on my own.
I live with my long term boyfriend, Matt. He gets me to a point, but he has his own mentality to worry about. He has adult ADHD that's been left untreated for over 10 years. No organization or tricks to help him remember things, and no set routine except for paying some of the bills like we agreed on. I'm running out of patience. But he is helpful to my sanity when I disconnect or am just having an extremely bad day.
Speaking of bad days, I'm hoping today isn't one. I work night shift, but more often than not lately I've been working 2nd shift, which drives me up a wall. And when there is one right after a 12 shift, it's worse. I get overwhelmed really easily with all the people that come in, and trying to convince myself it'll be okay but really I want to hide in another room and rock myself gently until I cry or something. However, I have to act cool and firm; that's not in my personality. I want to be nice, professional, and sophisticated. The things is, it's hard to retain the cool and firm when you hate where you work at, and deal with ignorant people.
See, to me the expectation I have of a workplace is high. Everyone has their separate duties, and something to pitch in as a team when needed. That doesn't happen here. Nobody wants to do their job. Most of the time I hear people talking about going out and partying, drinking heavily at the local bar until they come stumbling home or to work the next day with a hangover. NO JOKE. The reason I'm nervous about today is getting called in because of a front desk co-worker telling my boss that she can't guarantee to be here today due to a birthday drinking celebration. Everyone here is older than I am.
I don't want to drink. I find no fun or joy in it. I've seen people fall into the habit, and to me it's more entertaining to be sober watching drunk people :)
It just irritates me that I cannot go out and just party. I hate loud places with loud people. Enough said. I'd be happier in that cabin in the mountains with wifi. Matt feels the same way about bars and clubs the same as I do. We are just a quiet couple. And people here in this town CANNOT get over it. I prefer my music, art, and video games.
Maybe I'll strum a bit when I get home. I'll be tired, but singing out my anxieties helps sometimes. I make sure I'm alone, so if I spit out gibberish I don't get asked questions. I don't even trust Matt with those moments. They are mine alone.
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