I Think No One Cares.

The title should give it away.

It's a constant and heavy feeling that I've been overwhelmed with my entire life (no joke). When things are too quiet and the past comes back to haunt me, this phrase pops up, laughing and jeering at me. When I feel the most stressed and a stranger gets pissed off with me, or someone I know and love, I feel that way. When I am going into major distress mode, it boils down to that phrase: nobody cares.

It probably doesn't help that the media spews out the negative. That's the number one reason I stopped watching the news, plus I hate how it's become nothing but a popularity contest and politics. Without getting into that grueling topic, let's just say that I am not a fan of either. I'm low profile and the quiet type, and prefer to see what I need via other news sources; the internet is the main.

The reason I mention the media is because it feeds off negativity in people's lives; in short, it sells. When was the last time anyone watched something where two or more people are pitted against each other in a contest that is supposed to be "reality", and have tense experiences between each other? Or competing for the celebrity love of their life, but against 13 other men? Or two ghetto chicks (or guys, either/or) going at it because of emotional tension about the guy/gal they are screwing together?

My point is the world is extremely messed up in it's idea of entertainment. I do have to understand that everyone is different, and despite my opinion it is that; an opinion. And despite that opinion, life is still moving forward while I'm in the back pondering why this is acceptable.

So why does this type of thing make me feel like no one cares?

Because I know humanity can be very selfish. I know it can be extremely hypocritical, angry, fanatical, and unpredictable. There is an unbalance in today's society. I don't expect peaches and rainbows, of course, but something a little more positive would be nice. Like maybe some sincere human encouragement.

Only in a perfect world.

Overthinking

October 29, 2017, 3:33am.

So I'm at work. All I can think right now is how much I'm hating. I'm hating this town I moved to, the ignorant & trashy people in it, the status of my work, the relationship I'm in, etc, etc, etc. 

This isn't a new feeling for me. In my personal eyes I can ride the feeling out, but I'm always afraid of what others think of my blue/angry periods where I am just not functional. It's coming on winter soon, so I'll mostly be stuck inside due to my asthma. I'm also angry because I have to work twice as hard in life just to keep things organized and in check for myself, and during these blue/angry periods I get so lost and off track. It's to the point that I feel my relationships are failing me because no one checks in on me, or even says hello for that matter. It's really stressful when I have to do everything on my own.

I live with my long term boyfriend, Matt. He gets me to a point, but he has his own mentality to worry about. He has adult ADHD that's been left untreated for over 10 years. No organization or tricks to help him remember things, and no set routine except for paying some of the bills like we agreed on. I'm running out of patience. But he is helpful to my sanity when I disconnect or am just having an extremely bad day. 

Speaking of bad days, I'm hoping today isn't one. I work night shift, but more often than not lately I've been working 2nd shift, which drives me up a wall. And when there is one right after a 12 shift, it's worse. I get overwhelmed really easily with all the people that come in, and trying to convince myself it'll be okay but really I want to hide in another room and rock myself gently until I cry or something. However, I have to act cool and firm; that's not in my personality. I want to be nice, professional, and sophisticated. The things is, it's hard to retain the cool and firm when you hate where you work at, and deal with ignorant people.

See, to me the expectation I have of a workplace is high. Everyone has their separate duties, and something to pitch in as a team when needed. That doesn't happen here. Nobody wants to do their job. Most of the time I hear people talking about going out and partying, drinking heavily at the local bar until they come stumbling home or to work the next day with a hangover. NO JOKE. The reason I'm nervous about today is getting called in because of a front desk co-worker telling my boss that she can't guarantee to be here today due to a birthday drinking celebration. Everyone here is older than I am. 

I don't want to drink. I find no fun or joy in it. I've seen people fall into the habit, and to me it's more entertaining to be sober watching drunk people :) 

It just irritates me that I cannot go out and just party. I hate loud places with loud people. Enough said. I'd be happier in that cabin in the mountains with wifi. Matt feels the same way about bars and clubs the same as I do. We are just a quiet couple. And people here in this town CANNOT get over it. I prefer my music, art, and video games. 

Maybe I'll strum a bit when I get home. I'll be tired, but singing out my anxieties helps sometimes. I make sure I'm alone, so if I spit out gibberish I don't get asked questions. I don't even trust Matt with those moments. They are mine alone.

Introduction

Hello one and all! This is my first blog ever, and I decided to cover my daily life in the disorder I have struggled with the past 5 years since I was diagnosed. Borderline Personality Disorder is described as a mental health disorder that is marked by patterns of ongoing instability of moods, behaviors, self image, and functioning.

Translated: I am moody, unpredictable, confused about myself, and at times not motivated enough to budge. It doesn't help much that I have depression and anxiety as well. I panic very easily, especially when I accidentally upset people, or when someone berates me. I am sensitive to the tones in people's voices; I also can't stand loud noises.

But there are plus sides to this disorder. I'm highly sensitive, and even though that usually is considered a bad thing, I like to think of it as a way to enjoy life to the fullest with the positive emotions I have. I'm also very creative; I do all sorts of artwork, and I play six different instruments. I write poetry and my own song lyrics to get me through the bad days. I have high energy most days, and that's great for my activities.

I struggle with identity every day. I look in the mirror and don't understand who I see in comparison to what others see. It pains me that I feel that way, and it can affect me for days and even months if it's bad.

I do have someone in my life who helps me. His name is Matthew, and we've been dating for 3 years now. When I have a panic attack he is either there for me or a phone call away, and he's a great support. I'll go over some of the ways we handle my panic attacks and depressive episodes in later posts.

Other than that, I'm hoping to keep this blog going as much as I can. Warning: there will be bad days, and even in my anger I try to keep it clean. Feel free to post questions, but all I ask is 2 things: Keep it real, and be mature.